Catholic Sex Blog

This is the most popular post in my other blog, Catholic Writings, which today celebrates its first Gregorian birthday i.e. birthday according to the Gregorian calendar. Over the past 365 days, this post has seen 5,149 views, and has received many queries by Catholics and non-Catholics searching for answers, which I will try to provide here. Feel free to ask questions below and I will try my best to answer them.

First, what is the purpose of sex?

Some people say that sex is for the purpose of procreation. Unfortunately, such reasoning cannot justify sexual intercourse for women who have gone through menopause. Others say that sex is purely for pleasure, which is a hedonistic reason. Still others say that it is for bonding between husband and wife.

A more complete answer would be that it is for the renewal of marriage vows taken by a man and his wife at the altar. It is a renewal of the marital vows where both man and wife choose to freely give themselves totally to each other in an exclusive relationship that is open to life.

Sex is therefore a sign of love between a man and a woman. A love that is freely given to each other, complete and total, faithful to each other, and that is life-giving. This sexual act between man and woman is also a sign of God’s love for his church, and also a sign of God’s love as a trinity.

By this I mean the free, total, faithful and fruitful love between the Father and the Son. The Father willingly (read: free) gives himself completely (read: total) to the Son and only to the Son (read: faithful) because there is no one else that he can receive him in this total way, except for one that is like him. This is because only the Son is eternally begotten by the Father, as we recite in the Nicene Creed every Sunday Mass. And the Son too gives himself freely, completely, and faithfully to the Father. This love between them is so perfect that it yields (read: fruitful) the person of the Holy Spirit.

This Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life (as it is in the Nicene Creed as well) must be welcomed in any complete union, particularly the union between man and woman, husband and wife. In other words, any union between a man and a woman, particularly their sexual union, must be open to the Holy Spirit, the giver of life.

A sexual union that is not open to the Holy Spirit, the giver of life, is a union in which the couple says to God, “No, we don’t want you in our union.”

To answer the question on the Catholic teaching on oral sex, and in fact almost any question on sex, it is important to bear in mind these four conditions: FTFF - Free, Total, Faithful, Fruitful.

Is the sexual act in question Free, Total, Faithful, and Fruitful?

Is oral sex open to life? Can life come from oral sex? Is the Holy Spirit able to create life from oral sex?

The answer is ‘no’, because oral sex is not life-giving. This, however, refers to oral sex used as an ‘alternative’ to sexual intercourse. There are, however, two instances when oral stimulation of the genitals is allowed in a Catholic marriage.

The Catholic Church does not specify what is a complete act of sexual intercourse between a husband and his wife, but a good rule of thumb is that ejaculation should take place inside the woman’s vagina, and that both the husband and his wife have achieved sexual climax. The ideal act of conjugal love, according to Pope John Paul II’s “Love & Responsibility”, takes place when both the man and the woman climax at the same time.

In reality, this is hardly ever achieved. Karol Wojtyla (later Pope John Paul II), before his election to the papalship, explained that the man is usually the first to reach sexual climax, because of his biological nature. It is therefore the man’s responsibility to slow down, and help his wife to approach sexual climax, so that both can climax at the same time. This can be done through manual stimulation, which includes oral sex (without the ejaculation). This is the first case in which oral sex is allowed to be used in a Catholic marriage.

In the event that the man has already reached sexual climax, the act of sexual intercourse is not considered complete until the woman has also reached sexual climax. As such, the man is allowed to manually stimulate his wife to help her to reach sexual climax. This is the second case in which oral sex is allowed to be used in a Catholic marriage.

A note of caution: Care must be taken, however, to be aware of the line between love and lust. Love focuses on giving oneself to the other, while lust is about using another person for one’s own gratification. Husband and wife must always respect each other as persons to love, not as objects to be used for one’s own sexual or emotional gratification.

The original post (in a less complete form) is found in my other blog. Many queries were raised and answered there.